What Do I Do if I’ve Never Had an Orgasm?

What Do I Do if I’ve Never Had an Orgasm?

Our expert: Dr. Sherry Ross

Sheryl A. Ross, M.D., “Dr. Sherry,” is an award-winning OBGYN, our go-to for pregnancy, postpartum, menopause and beyond. She’s practiced for 20+ years, recently won both a Top Ten OB/GYN & Patient’s Choice Award. She also has a line of custom vitamins made specially for women, Dr. Ross D3FY Vitamins.

My boyfriend and I have been sexually active for quite a while! And I’ve never been able to orgasm at all. I’ve tried with myself and didn’t have trouble reach an orgasm. But when I’m having intercourse with him I never can reach that feeling, my legs just shake uncontrollably and my vagina dries up after a while. Are we doing something wrong? Or is there something wrong with me?


You may be shocked to hear the 10-20% of women have never experienced an orgasm…never ever! In fact, I have met many women in their 30s, 40s and 50s who have never had an orgasm. Plus, there are other women who can only experience them but after great difficulty. Don’t be surprised, you are not alone if you have never had one!

It’s so important to address this issue as early in life as possible on whether or not you have or have not had the big “O.” Let’s face it, it can be an uncomfortable topic to bring up with your mother, best friend, boyfriend, girlfriend or doctor. I recommend doing your own research to learn as much about your body and sexuality as possible before sharing yourself with someone else.

For starters, having an orgasm just doesn’t happen on its own, it’s a learned activity just like learning how to swim or skip. Someone either has to teach you how to have an orgasm or you need to teach yourself.  Relying on someone else is not the preferred way to learn what your body enjoys, but for many it’s the way it’s been done traditionally and historically.

An interesting statistic is one in three women have trouble having an orgasm with sex. Around 80% of women have trouble having an orgasm with vaginal intercourse alone. With vaginal intercourse, the clitoris often needs to be stimulated either directly or indirectly, by stimulation from fingers or being in certain sexual positions such as “woman-on-top”. It’s important to know that the clitoris needs more time to be aroused than the penis (around 10-15 minutes longer), so patience is definitely a virtue in the bedroom.

Masturbation is really the best way to get to know your body and especially your clitoris. The clitoris is basically the female version of the penis. It’s truly our “magic button” with 8,000 highly sensitive nerves waiting to be electrified. Surprisingly, the penis only has 4,000. When the clitoris is stimulated, it will become hard in the same way that the penis gets hard when stimulated. Using a sexual lubricant helps keep the clitoris and vagina moist and feels really good. No matter what your personal preferences are, it may take time and experiences to figure it out. The clitoris is extremely delicate and needs to be touched softly at first…you may realize that after light stimulation harder and stronger pressure is needed to reach an orgasm. Once you find out your personal path to success, you will learn short cuts of getting you there faster.

Some women experience “squirting “or “gushing,” also known as a female ejaculation, during orgasm. It was found that 10-40% of women have at one time or another had a “gushing” moment during orgasm. For some, the gush feels as though you are wetting the bed and for others it is less obvious. Many are confused they are actually losing urine when sexually stimulated. Female ejaculation is thought to be linked to having your G-spot stimulated. It can be hard enough having an orgasm, let alone finding the infamous G-spot!

In general, practice and patience makes perfect. Once you have mastered the techniques on yourself you are ready to help your partner find his or her way. Sexual health and confidence begins with your ability to know what you want and not afraid to ask for it. Honesty and open communication will help you and your partner find sexual success between the sheets.

Cover image courtesy of Shutterstock.