Queer – what is queer? There has been a lot of buzz over ushering in the use of “they/them” pronouns about how it grammatically works and what it means. LGBT is now part of longer acronym variations such as LGBTI, LGBTQI, or LGBTQIA, which add intersex, queer or questioning, and asexual to the standard lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgender identities. The word “queer” is being reclaimed and used to describe fluidity, un-categorized, or non-conforming sexuality and identity.
For mothers and daughters, the variety of terms now available offers an outline for conversations about sexual orientation and gender identity. Using words to describe potential feelings, confusions, or explorations aids conversation immeasurably.
For parents, here are some basic tips to try:
1. Talk about it Early (and Often)
It is best to talk to your children about sex and orientation starting early to both normalize the topic and to also ensure later comfort should your child question any aspect of sexuality or gender identity.
Some suggestions include simple exposure: While R rated movies might not be the right vehicle, exposing children to references of intimacy or identities in film and television offers a good medium through which to discuss a sensitive topic – you can talk about the characters instead of yourself.
Parents should also explain the big difference between self-acceptance and good sexual practices, so talking to your children about sex is important.
2. Learn the Language
Parenting children who may be queer requires familiarity with identity and expression. Introducing these terms to your children enables them to express their potential feelings or confusion about someone else’s choices. Planned Parenthood has some great literature on everything from sexual orientation to gender identity to protection to voicing concerns, and you can check out our guide to understanding gender fluidity and terminology.
3. Create a Safe Space
It is best not to assume questioning thoughts or actions from your child means they are a specific identity or sexuality – if they do identify as LGBTQIA, let them define themselves.
To follow, questioning thoughts do not mean a child is doing any more than that – which is where the analogy that gender and sexuality are spectrums, not binaries, comes in handy.
Providing a safe space for your children will include more than ensuring your children know you will love them no matter what, it also includes knowledge and awareness of what your child could be thinking. Therefore, self-education about sexual orientation and gender identity is a must. They will not always have someone else to turn to who can give them answers.
For the young women who want to talk to their parents, try out these tips:
1. You Don’t Have to Have all the Answers
Exploration should not induce a life crisis or crippling fear that you are wrong in any way.
Speaking with your parents, you can clarify by describing yourself as feeling 84% one thing and 16% something else, or merely trying to describe that you are open to whoever comes your way.
2. Don’t Be Afraid to Educate Your Parents
Growing into your own conception of self is never easy. Using flexible terms like queer or more defined ones like lesbian might help you understand yourself better and certainly communicate to your loved ones how you feel.
Starting off early with inclusion of alternate terms – especially queer – makes for an open and flexible understanding of self versus a black and white binary.
Cover image courtesy of Shutterstock.
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