BDSM related bruises, bite marks, and imperfections are the beauty underneath your clothing after a scene that involves impact play. Those precious love marks are like sexy lingerie — no one else is aware of their presence between your thighs and on the small of your back. The knowledge of their existence plays a role in the pleasure of kink long after the climax and penetration from the night before. Part of my enjoyment of impact play is the tiny remnants that scatter across from body in the weeks after.

It’s true, I do bruise easily — more than most. Like a banana, a finger mark can leave an imprint on my skin for a week after initial contact. This means that impact play is something that involved heavy precautions.

I view BDSM as inherently feminist, as it is a space that provides overwhelming consent and trust. However, for strangers or friends, bruises have associations with abuse and mis-use. Even though some of us live in a 100% kink friendly world, publicly wearing bruises can alarm people in our life who aren’t aware of certain sexual predilections.

Even now, I have a difficult time explaining the bruises on my arms. “I bumped into something in my art studio,” or “I just bruise easily,” seem like false and obvious lies. But “I’m into BDSM,” or “My partner enjoys biting,” is sometimes a surprise to people and I try to avoid making anyone feel uncomfortable. Nevertheless, it’s the honest and sexy truth.

Sexual scenes vary from person to person. Kinks can include burning, basic play, abrasions, cuts or scrapes. Impact play is when someone hits another person with an instrument for pleasure. Whatever your choice of play, aftercare may be necessary.

I have primarily been a switch, someone who is both a dominant and a submissive, during my scenes. I have had to recover in both areas, emotionally during the “come down” and physically from bruises.

Aftercare can be a personal moment, or a moment that you share with your partner. Moreover, it isn’t just for a bottom, or a submissive. Aftercare includes all parties involved and can include cuddling, affirmation, or tending to possible marks.

Taking care of yourself, both emotionally and physically, is incredibly important for BDSM scenes. Negotiation with your partner is necessary in understanding what they may need, or what you may need. For me, tending to wounds or bruises is a private moment; however, emotional support is pertinent for my aftercare.

Types of aftercare

The Submissive Guide suggests taking time to reconnect after a scene. “The dominant may need to help the submissive unwind and recover. Dominants also need aftercare; some like a massage or sex, but at the least you should both get re-hydrated and rest.”

Both the dominant and the submissive need to be caressed, held, and wrapped in a warm blanket. Physical and emotional care should be a standard for BDSM scenes and all individuals should be prioritized. Removing blindfolds and restraints, providing water or food, and kissing the areas that were marked during play are ways to provide immediate physical aftercare.

A way to emotionally provide aftercare is to have a discussion about the scene and how you felt about certain situations and expectations. Giving positive feedback and making sure what kinks are appreciated, or aren’t, are also an integral part of BDSM aftercare.

How do you properly heal markings?

Everyone’s level is different. For me, I’m primarily bruised. Understanding the basic first aid for cuts, abrasions, burns, and bruises is important. Taking care of your muscles is another important factor to remember. Put cool compresses on bruises or swollen areas to relinquish the swelling. Cuts and abrasions should be treated with anti-bacterial cream and bandages.

Taking care of spankings and bruises, aspects of basic BDSM play, can be treated with lotion and warm baths. Taking a daily dose of 1000mg of Vitamin C can also aid tissue repair.

How can you safely mark your partner?

Safe impact zones are the thighs, butt, and arms. Areas to avoid for intense impact play are the spine, tailbone, face, and hips. Discussing limitations with your partner beforehand are necessary. Sometimes, I don’t mind when my arms are chewed, bruises, and red. But if I’m attending a wedding in a week, I don’t want to be riddled with marks. The only way to discuss these limits is by opening up a conversation about do’s and don’ts.

If nerves or the skin are damaged on certain areas of the body, scar tissue and desensitization can occur. This is why establishing a positive relationship and area of communication is so important. By varying techniques, this can be avoided.

Whether it’s ball gags, restraints, whips, chains, or handcuffs, consent and communication are necessary for aftercare. To enjoy the pain, and make it hurt so good, educate yourself on proper care during and after a scene. I’m still exploring various zones for myself during dominant and submissive moments in my scenes. My inner thighs are a safe space for biting and grabbing as bruises can be hidden during the day. However, summer is here, and that area is now even more uncomfortable to explain on my days on the beach. For me, my zones are seasonal. Weeks before a doctors visit are when my partner and I should proceed with caution — as explaining intense purple bruises to a professional can be a bit complicated.

Nevertheless, there is a difference between assault and a desirable act. If you are experiencing abuse or unwanted discomfort, seek a counselor or professional.

In a shame free kink world, we could wear our bite marks publicly. But there’s beauty in the secrets. They rest beneath our business casual clothes and sit on the surface of our fragile skin. They make us squirm and re-position ourselves to find a comfortable spot. Each bite mark is a marked reminder of your lover. They are the result of a scene gone well, a climax achieved, and reminder of whats to come.

IMAGE COURTESY OF GETTYIMAGES

By S. Nicole Lane on July 24, 2017
Nicole is a women's health journalist living in Chicago. Her sex and art column, "Intimate Justice" can be found on Sixty Inches from Center. She also contributes to The Establishment, HelloGiggles, GO Magazine, and elsewhere. In addition to writing she is an artist who works with assemblage and sculpture. She tweets at @snicolelane.