How to Talk About Porn With Your Kids

How to Talk About Porn With Your Kids

Last year, health educator Ellen Kate wrote an article for Everyday Feminism entitled, “It’s Time: How to Talk to Your Middle Schooler About Porn.”

It brings up some of the most important things to consider when talking to your child about potentially uncomfortable topics: sexual pleasure in general, masturbation in particular, and especially porn.

Kate’s advice? Stay calm. We could all use the reminder that for children as well as adults, there is not clear evidence that watching porn is harmful, nor that the kind of porn someone watches necessarily corresponds to the kind of sex they want to or will have. We also know that many people use porn as sex education, perhaps especially when their sexual interests are not covered or even acknowledged in their sex education. As the article points out, though porn is not the ideal educational source, it may not always be the worst; and “since most modern kids encounter porn online, those same kids could also access sites like Scarleteen, Planned Parenthood, or Advocates for Youth where they will get way more accurate information.” But the only way to steer your child to those informational sources, and to have a discussion about porn’s potential benefits and limitations, is to talk about it.

So how to approach the conversation? Ms. Kate has some tips:

“Don’t make your first conversation about sex be the porn talk.”

It’s on you to talk about sex and sexuality with your child; don’t wait for them to bring it up. And when do you start having what should be an ongoing series of conversations, don’t make it about porn right away. The “porn talk” doesn’t even need to be its own separate conversation. It can be built into a different talk about sex!

“Practice having a discussion with your child’s other parent(s), a friend, or by yourself before you talk to your child.”

Prepare ahead of time, and brainstorm how the conversation might go so that you can feel prepared and calm.

“If you’re feeling nervous or embarrassed, tell your child.”

Don’t be afraid to show your vulnerability and discomfort during this conversation. If you can share the potential awkwardness of the situation with your kid, you can get through the experience as a team and have a better conversation overall.

“Don’t put your shame about sex on your kids by making them feel guilty about having sexual desires.”

By having this conversation in the right way, you are practicing great sex-positive parenting; try to leave your hang-ups about pornography or pleasure at the door, because odds are you’re not going to prevent your child from accessing those things.

“Ask how your child feels about the conversation.”

Just as you should be honest with your child about how you’re feeling during this conversation, you can invite them to share their feelings with you.

All of these tips can be applied to any topic under the umbrella of sex and sexuality. And any topic you’ll discuss with your child has its own challenge.

For the topic of porn, Ellen Kate zooms in on strategies for pointing out the differences between reality and most porn: guiding questions and approaches, as well as the most important distinctions to point out (the bodies represented, the type of sexual activity represented, the lack of communication and safer sex methods, and the common misogynist and otherwise oppressive messages). But to get those tips, learn more, and get linked to some amazing resources – check out her fantastic article. Then work through her advice, sit down with your child, and start (or continue!) talking.

Image courtesy of Getty Images.