Full disclosure, until about a month ago I had never heard of queerplatonic relationships.
I was doing some research into the asexual community and fell across the term. I wanted to know more so I reached out to two lovely humans, Kai and Mari, who are in a queerplatonic relationship to tell me (and you!) more.
First, how do you identify and can you tell me a little about yourself/what you do? Gender, sexuality, pronouns, romantic orientation, occupation, favorite hobby, anything else you would like to share!
Mari: Hi! I identify primarily as a trans femme and as a woman, as well as neurodivergent and a feminist. My pronouns are she/her/hers/herself. I am a student majoring in linguistics, interested in teaching. As for romance, I’m aroflux and a capricious boy-hater who begrudgingly digs boys a lot. If I had to give my gender a general aspired aesthetic I’d say it’s tenderly tomboyish, gamer girl, and princely pinup. I really like animating and drawing, among many other things!
Kai: My name is Kai, and I’m nonbinary (they/them pronouns are fine.) I’m asexual and quoi/androromantic. I’m studying to become an environmental engineer, and I’ll be graduating in June! In my free time I like to make videos and perform in things ranging from drag shows to musicals to ballroom/latin/swing dances.
What does queer platonic mean to you?
Mari: For me, queer platonic or quasiplatonic describes relationships and attraction that is, of course, platonic, but also breaking the conventions of “just friends.” It can be different for everyone, but it’s generally a way of naming our special experiences of platonic love and highlighting our significant others whom we platonically love.
It’s neither romantic nor sexual by nature, but can be just as meaningful if not more!
Kai: It’s finding that you have this connection to another person that goes beyond what most people would consider friendship. You have these feelings that aren’t romantic or sexual, but just as important, and you want to be with this person for as long as they feel the same.
What is it like to be in a queer platonic relationship?
Mari: It’s wonderful. I’ve never felt safer in any other relationship. Unfortunately, it’s usually long distance, but that doesn’t stop us from getting in touch, usually on a daily basis.
Kai: For me it’s like having someone I can always talk to about anything, someone I have so much love and admiration for, someone I want to spend the rest of my life with.
What do you call the person you are in a queer platonic relationship with?
Mari: With strangers, I tend to call them my partner. Sometimes I say partner-ish person, sometimes I even throw in the word platonic to make it clear. Ideally, I like cute things like signifs (short for significant other), personfriend, etc. but I don’t really use them. In queer spaces, I usually just go ahead and call them my QPP (abbreviation for queer platonic partner).
Kai: It depends whom I’m talking to; if it’s people who know about our relationship I’ll just call Mari my partner. Most of the people at my university have never met Mari and don’t know what QPRs are, so I’ll just say “my best friend” even though our relationship is a little different from that.
Are there long-term queer platonic relationships?
Kai: Sure, it’s been almost 5 years since Mari and I put a label on our relationship, and we’ve really been together much longer than that.
Do people in queer platonic relationships get married? Do they have kids? Are they ever intimate?
Kai: Anything’s possible! There’s no “typical” QPR, so it really depends on the individuals in the relationship. I actually know people in a QPR who are married and have a baby, so it does happen.
Can you be in a queer platonic relationship and not identify as asexual?
Mari: I’m not asexual.
Kai: Anyone can be in a QP relationship. I think ace and aro people just tend to be more aware of them because they are more likely to look for non-standard types of relationships.
How does the queer platonic community interact with the LGBTQIA+ community?
Kai: I’m not sure how to answer this (party because I haven’t experienced a “QP community”). Some QPRs are open or poly, some are completely monogamous, same as any romantic or sexual partnership. Some people are part of the LGBTQIA+ community, some aren’t, although people who aren’t should use an alternate term such as “quasiplatonic” to avoid using a reclaimed slur.
How big is the queer platonic community?
Kai: I’m not sure there’s actually a community (though if there is, sign me up). In my experience it’s rare to find other people in QPRs, but it’s always nice to see other people who care about each other like Mari and I do.
How do you meet other people looking for queer platonic relationships?
Mari: The internet! Tumblr is one place, but I’m sure you could meet them just about anywhere.
Do you have any good resources for people who would like to learn more?
Kai: There aren’t a lot of complied resources, but people have written about and made videos on this topic so if you do a little searching you’re bound to find some interesting content. Recently Ashley Mardell made a few “ABCs of LGBT+” videos on ace and aro topics, and the second video covers a lot about attraction and QPR topics.
Anything else you want to add? How did you get so awesome?!
Mari: A lot of it is trusting myself and doing what feels right for me. After that, it’s just practice. Communication is key. Fake it ‘til you make it. Live your truth. Investigate and stay skeptical.
Thank you both!
Kai makes videos on YouTube! You can find them here. And you can find Mari on tumblr here.
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