Here is a short list of things that don’t matter: your second cousin’s Facebook statuses boasting uproarious political views, calories, and the number of people you’ve bedded in your lifetime. Let’s focus on the latter.
The amount of people you have slept with does not matter. Maybe you were the first one with three fingers down during a rousing round of dorm-room “Never Have I Ever” or you’re still figuring out all the ways to give yourself to more than just one person, but whatever your “number” is, you should know: It means nothing.
It provides no validation. It sheds no light on your personality, likes, dislikes, or worth as a human being. It only reflects one simple thing: The number of people you have had sex with.
These are 8 reasons your “sex number” means virtually nothing.
- It doesn’t make you better at sex
Maybe you’ve heard that the more people you’ve bumped uglies with, the more likely you are to be educated in what people want in bed. But the only universal pleasure that exists is that everyone wants to be pleased. There is no magic formula to arousing or pleasing someone sexually, as every person has a set of unique preferences. Whether you’ve done the in-and-out with 100 people or 10 or 1, it doesn’t prepare you for any one individual person’s sexual desires. So no, sexual intercourse with a multitude of partners doesn’t necessarily mean you’re a fantastic lay.
- It doesn’t explain anything about you
Let’s say this once and for all: Your number of sexual partners reveals nothing about you except the number of sexual partners you have had. It is just a number and it is indicative of nothing but that number.
- It doesn’t showcase anything other than how many people you’ve slept with
You can’t hear someone’s number and then imagine you know anything about them. The number “30” doesn’t make someone sexually promiscuous. The number “1” doesn’t make someone sexually conservative. You don’t know how many serious or non-serious relationships a person’s had. You can’t ascertain roughly how many one-night-stands a person has experienced. You can’t make up a narrative for someone when you only know the number and not all of the circumstances.
- It doesn’t reinforce any stereotypes
There is no numerical equivalent of “slut.” There is no numerical equivalent of “prude.” In the interest of truth and anti-shaming of all kinds, we should probably eradicate both terms.
- It doesn’t grant permission for others to shame you
Cluing someone into the number of people you’ve banged does not automatically grant permission for shaming. Shaming is never okay, whether it be sexual or body shaming, or any other sort. By disclosing to someone—perhaps a friend or a potential suitor—your number, you are NOT opening yourself up to judgment. A number is a number, not an automatic permission slip for zoning in on your genitals.
- It doesn’t reflect your values
The lower the number does not automatically equate excellent values. A higher number does not denote off-the-rails values.
- It doesn’t reflect your preferences
A higher number doesn’t mean “wow, she’s kinky in bed.” A higher number doesn’t mean you’re into S&M. A lower number doesn’t mean you thrive in missionary. What you like in the sack is a completely separate discussion from the number of people you’ve boinked.
- It is not your narrative
You are not the number of people you’ve engaged in coitus with. You are not your sex number, therefore your sex number is not your narrative. It does not define you, it does not reveal anything mysterious, telling, or otherwise about you, and it does not act as a window into your personality or life.
In conclusion, you are not the sex you have. You are not the number of people you’ve done it with. Keep these things separate and don’t let anyone attempt to fit you into a box. Or a number, no matter how many digits it possesses.