I’ve been getting Brazilian waxes for some time now. With each visit I try to remind myself how often I’ve done this and put on a brave show—emphasis on try. If only my poor esthetician could hear what’s going on in my head… Read on for a glimpse into the internal monologue that plays each time I get up the courage walk confidently into the salon to get waxed.
1. I am such a grown up lady person, waxing my bits and stuff.
2. Maybe I’ll open a 401k next.
4. Pretty sure my vagina is going to glow and shine once this is done.
5. Too bad no one else is going to see this. Maybe I should just flash people on the way out?
6. Beautiful vagina. BAM.
7. Handcuffs chafe though.
8. Why yes, lovely receptionist, I WOULD like some water. Also, that chocolate.
9. I deserve a treat, I’m getting hairs ripped out of my most sensitive parts in a few minutes.
11. I’m getting hairs ripped out of my most sensitive parts in a few minutes.
12. Most. Sensitive. Parts.
14. May I have a second piece of chocolate please.
15. This is FINE.
16. You’ve done this before.
17. CALM DOWN.
18. No, you do not get a third piece of chocolate.
19. Okay fine but not a fourth.
21. Ugh, she’s getting a massage? Why aren’t we getting a massage?
22. Must schedule a massage sometime. No one freaks out before a massage.
23. Because they aren’t getting hair ripped off of their VAGINAL LIPS like a CRAZY PERSON.
25. You know, there’s still time to cancel.
26. Could go for a run, maybe visit a museum…
27. Uh oh, that’s my name.
28. BE HUMAN.
29. This nice elderly woman is about to get the IMAX experience of my vagina.
30. Yes, the room is fine thanks okay.
31. Alone again.
32. Could probably fit out that window.
34. We’re not running away. Drop your drawers.
35. How many people in this city are wriggling out of their jeans at this exact same moment?
37. Free and breezy.
38. This is so. Weird.
39. Okay fold the panties.
40. Tuck those UNDER the jeans.
41. So neat! I’m totally an adult.
42. Wouldn’t want her to have to see my panties.
43. She’s about to go splunking in my nether regions she doesn’t give a flip about Victoria’s or anyone else’s secrets.
45. Look it’s just like a massage table!
46. But it’s not.
48. Okay, super comfy table, nice!
49. Am I supposed to wear this scratchy thing? Is this a paper blanket?
51. Just pretend you have pants on.
52. Hi there adorable elderly lady! Let’s smile and forget I’m not wearing pants TOGETHER! Hooray!
53. She’s so nice. Look how professional. All the gloves.
54. Let’s distract ourselves with absurd SMALL TALK ABOUT THE WEATHER.
55. This is going great.
56. Oh, okay yep, I’ll move my legs there.
57. …and there’s my vagina.
59. How many vaginas has this woman seen in her life?
61. Figure four. This I can do. Legs, make a four! Ignore the crying slash pleading from down below, it will be over soon enough.
62. Oh my god it hasn’t even started.
63. DON’T PANIC!
64. Oh… oh that feels NICE. Warm wax. Yes. Nice.
66. Hold on.
67. If it’s warm, it’s on me, and if it’s on me—
68. JESUS MARY AND JOESPH ON A POPSICLE STICK IN JUNE.
69. Why do I DO this?
70. I take it back, I don’t want a shiny vagina.
71. Time to leave.
72. Oh more warmth. AH. That means—
73. BUNNY FARTS AND HAMSTER TOES THAT HURTS.
74. Yes, thank you evil elderly lady, I know I need to breathe.
75. No okay really, listen to the woman.
76. Okay, yes, thank you lovely elderly lady I will breathe now.
77. Okay. Breathe.
79. Yep, still hurts.
80. Okay breathing is good though.
81. Let’s keep at this.
82. Also, WEATHER? HOW ‘BOUT THAT WEATHER?
84. We got this. Not so bad.
86. My, but she is getting personal.
87. At least buy me a drink first lady.
88. Haha I’m so funny.
90. Hold the phone.
91. If there’s wax there…
92. …that means it’s coming off.
93. Oh god.
94. Oh god.
95. Retreat! Retreat! Abort mission! Abort— HOLY MILKSHAKES THIS IS THE END OF DAYS. WOMAN DOWN. WOMAN DOWN.
97. System reboot.
98. Still functional? Still alive?
100. Why do I DO this to myself.
102. Does this make me a bad person?
103. If I was a real feminist I’d just embrace the bush.
104. …but I like this.
106. Okay, not this. But I like it after.
107. Yep, that’s my butt.
109. Ha, yeah. THAT’S the awkward part.
110. Wait, that’s not wax.
111. Baby powder?
113. CUE THE TRUMPETS FROM ON HIGH!
114. THEY WILL SING OF ME IN VALHALLA.
116. Yes, thank you very much nice lady.
117. Smile, be human.
118. Alone again.
119. WEEEE ARE THE CHAMPIONS.
120. Oooof okay a littttttle sensitive.
121. Pants, pants, pants. My kingdom for some pants.
122. Who folds panties? Psh.
123. Ah okay awesome.
124. Hey there waiting room. Yeah, looking at you, squirming brunette. I survived. You will too.
125. Heck yes, big tip for awesome woman venturing into the furry unknown.
126. You know what? Screw the haters. I like my shiny vagina.
127. Beautiful vagina. BOOM.
128. This feminist waxes.
129. DEAL WITH IT.
130. Back to the real world.
131. Ha, no one knows what’s going on down here.
132. Step aside, big grown up lady here doing big grown up lady things.
133. And now her vagina is all shiny.
Cover image courtesy of Shutterstock.