How My Sex Addiction Has Impacted My Sexuality

How My Sex Addiction Has Impacted My Sexuality

Sex addiction isn’t one of those things you hear a lot about.

When we talk about addiction, it’s mostly about alcohol and drugs. And when we talk about “sex addicts,” we’re usually talking about sleazy male Hollywood types who seem to use the diagnosis as a license to cheat on their wives or be sexually inappropriate towards women. It’s for this reason that talking about my sex addiction has been (and continues to be) pretty challenging for me.

Friends of mine often tell me that the sexuality of women is so stigmatized that imagining a feminine person with an extremely high sex drive is just so taboo. They say this when I mention my sex addiction. And while this statement is true, and while responses like this are meant to be comforting and helpful to me in forgoing such a negative label, it doesn’t feel helpful.

I know I’m an addict because sex used to take over my life. The classic sex addiction symptoms were all there: reckless/impulsive sex (with an absence of good judgment), sex with more than one person in one night, excessive masturbation and porn consumption. Finding and defining “sobriety” was and still is a confusing journey for me. But so far, my sobriety looks like abstaining from sex with men altogether.

Because perhaps the biggest way my addiction impacted my life was its ability to completely skew the reality of my sexual preference, an identity that was separate from my addictive behaviors.

Though I used to impulsively and obsessively have sex with men, I never actually enjoyed the masculine features of the bodies I was sleeping with, nor did I ever feel compatible with the souls attached to them. I chose men because they were the easiest to attract, since men would often come flocking to me in droves while women never seemed to show much interest in me. I also chose men because part of my addiction was using and abusing my sexual partners–my long and negative history with them made this part easy and enjoyable, while I could never imagine mistreating a feminine lover.

While receiving sexual gratification from a lover, I would always dread the moment I would have to see or interact with a penis. The very sight of male genitalia would make me cringe, an image I basically traumatized myself with again and again in spite of my distaste for them and my clear attraction to women.

After going on dates with, and fooling around with, a bunch of dudes on OKCupid, I met Mason.* He was unbelievably attractive, but had very different expectations than any other boy I had been with. His kind and quiet nature prevented me from wanting to hurt him. But the extremely slow and gentle way Mason began to ease into intimacy with me made me realize pretty early on that I didn’t want emotional intimacy with a man, no matter how kind or attractive. I wanted to use and abuse them for my own sexual gain, no matter how much I shuddered at the sight of their genitals. So I vowed not to sleep with men ever again and left him.

Once I started dating women and trans people, my sex life began to feel a lot different–fun, balanced and deeply enjoyable. To this day, it’s still difficult for me to control my impulses of wanting to have sex with men (as a person in a poly relationship with a non binary femme). Sometimes just smelling the musky sweaty scent of a college boy triggers me. But I can proudly say that I’ve abstained from having sex with men for three years now, as I do everything I can to make healthy decisions and stay true to my sexual identity.

When I’m triggered or feel an urge, I’m able to acknowledge that I’m not actually sexually attracted to men and, like when I want to break my alcohol sobriety and grab a drink, I’m aware that it’s just the addiction talking. The real me, the self aware and sexually empowered me, wants to have kinky sex with respectful and adorable femme folks. And so now I live my truth.

*name changed