One Sex Toy Changed The Way I See Masturbation

One Sex Toy Changed The Way I See Masturbation

I have a difficult and strained relationship with masturbation.

While I love getting off just as much as the next person, it’s the intimate time spent touching my hand to my vagina that feels awkward, even painful. Since I was very young, I felt what I could only describe as a “ghost penis” between my legs, rendering the vagina I was born with as something confusing and foreign. Having started masturbating in early childhood, I’ve long perfected the art of pleasuring myself without making physical contact with the flesh between my legs.

While I’ve tried masturbating using my fingers in the past, my gender dysphoria made the experience feel like nothing. Numb. As a person who regularly experiences multiple orgasms in partnered sex, this was deeply troubling to me. Using toys was certainly more fun, but it still involved too much movement and manipulating of my parts, too much consciousness placed on my vagina. And as long as I was making direct contact with my genitals, I couldn’t bring myself to come. I felt helpless, like the only way I could achieve true sexual satisfaction solo was by learning to create a better mind-body connection with my vagina. I felt that the way I masturbated without using fingers was somehow inferior.

But the thing is, I’m trans. I’m super interested in bottom surgery, and living life with genitalia that feels more like me. While I want to have a healthier masturbation life, I also wanted to stay true to who I was without trying to force states of mind onto myself that were foreign and uncomfortable.

But then I met the Womanizer at my favorite toy shop (Babeland), a small toy designed for clitoral masturbation. Instead of the usual vibrating mechanism, the Womanizer uses suction instead. And while it may feel like nothing on your hand when testing it, it feels like magic on your actual clitoris.

Despite its incredibly gendered name, this small and rose-adorned vibrator has made me feel more like a man than any sex toy I’ve ever used. With just a touch of a button, the toy’s suction cup action helped me get off by myself without any real effort on my part. All I had to do was turn the Womanizer’s suction on, hold the tool over my clit, and enjoy a powerful orgasm after just two minutes of use.

I didn’t have to move the toy up and down or feel my own wetness. I didn’t have to make direct contact with my genitals to be able to come magnificently. Sure, I had to find my clit. But I didn’t actually have to use my fingers to perform this exploration. With the power of the toy’s suction, the Womanizer sort of found it for me. Without the stress and discomfort of gender dysphoria clouding my mind, I could orgasm much more easily and actually enjoy myself.

I resent the implications that sex-positive communities often try to communicate regarding a mind-body disconnect during sex: that it should be repaired via “empowerment” and “self confidence” so you can more fully experience your body. But for trans people like me, people who wish away their genitals during sex and before bed, this just doesn’t make sense. For some, it’s a painful but inescapable reality that the bodies they were born with don’t match the gender they feel that they are. And so any attempt to express self love in sexual ways are in vain, as no amount of touching and orgasms will replace your vagina with a penis. No amount of positive affirmations are going to make you love the genitals that you literally can’t feel, and make you stop longing for the ghost of what could have been.

I’ve come to terms with the fact that my gender dysphoria complicates my sexual relationship with myself. But with the Womanizer, I still have access to my personal sexuality without compromising my comfort. Now, it’s possible for me to pleasure myself without having to be burdened with the ugly details of what’s really between my legs. I just have to push a button and wait for the suction cup-induced orgasm to hit me.

Cover image courtesy of Getty Images.