Don’t deny yourself the pleasure you deserve.
So you faked an orgasm. Maybe it was just the one time – you were tired, it wasn’t going to happen, you wanted sex to be over with, and it was just easier to do so. Or maybe it wasn’t the first time, and it’s starting to become a trend. Should you talk to your partner about it? How?
If it’s an isolated incident, says Daniel Sher, a registered clinical psychologist and a sex therapist for NaughtyNorth.ca, telling your partner isn’t necessarily the answer. “Usually, if you’re faking orgasms in the first place, it’s because you’re sensitive to and aware of any emotional fragility and self-esteem issue that your partner might be carrying. If your partner does indeed struggle with such issues, then the conversation that you want to have will have to be phrased incredibly tactfully in order not to be unnecessarily hurtful.”
Bethany Ricciardi is a sexual health educator at TooTimid.com, which focuses on the sexual well-being of women and couples. She argues that you should never just fake and orgasm and forget about it. “It’s true that every woman has most likely at least faked an orgasm once in her life,” she says. “But women need to realize that their orgasms and their sexual pleasure lies in the hands of themselves, not their partner! ”
While it’s not solely your responsibility to orgasm, it is up to you to communicate if you aren’t getting what you want. “Faking it is only going to confuse your partner and yourself. You’re limiting your sexual pleasure by faking! How is your partner supposed to know what you like and what makes you orgasm? Women fake for many reasons but you should not just move on from it. You deserve a true climax! You don’t have to walk up to your partner and tell them you faked it and didn’t enjoy it at all. But if you are having any doubt about your sexual fulfillment, then you need to talk to your lover about it.”
“I’m someone who faked her orgasms for 12 years before I decided I’d never do it again,” says Kayla Lords, a writer and sexpert for JackandJillAdult.com. It’s going to be a difficult conversation, so Lords suggests that you do it at a time when you and your partner aren’t preoccupied with other things, and when you can give generous attention to the subject. Otherwise, she says, it’s not likely that the conversation will end well. Once you’re sitting down for it, start with what you like — specific moments during sex, the intimacy between you, how your partner touches you. Then gently ease into telling them you faked your orgasm. Make it clear that you don’t want to do that again (assuming you don’t) and that you want to have amazing sex with your partner (assuming you do). You may have to deal with hurt feelings or disbelief. That’s the nature of telling someone a difficult thing they might not want to hear. ”
D faked an orgasm in college while in an emotionally abusive relationship. It usually takes her a long time to orgasm, she says, which she associates with stress and mental blockages, but with her previous partner, “there was one time where I definitely faked an orgasm so we could stop having sex.” While she’s never faked with her current partner, she’s been asked if she has, which has been the catalyst for talking more about sex and pleasure. “We’ve talked about what might be preventing me from having an orgasm faster, and what she could do to help. It’s been an ongoing conversation, but we talk about it often.”
In terms of the nitty gritty of letting your partner know what helps you orgasm, you first have to know what you’re into. Ricciardi suggests masturbating, and then describing what you like to your partner (get specific). “Tell them directly where to touch and where to lick or suck. Give direction for faster and slower. Once they learn what makes you orgasm (because now you’re being honest with them) you won’t have to give directions like a school teacher every time, eventually they’ll catch on and will probably have a number of ways up their sleeve to make you cum!”
“My personal trick is to react when things feel good and *not* react when they don’t,” says Kayla Lords. “Because I’m a loud and demonstrative sexual partner, any partner who’s paying attention will see the difference.”
While there’s a lot more information about how to communicate about sex and pleasure available now, an intense stigma around people with vaginas and sexuality still remains. “Women ask me how they can orgasm the”normal” way,” says Sex and Relationship expert Megan Stubbs. “A lot of people feel shame and think they’re broken because sex and orgasms don’t look the way they do in the movies.” Orgasms are great, and you absolutely should communicate about them, but, urges Stubbs, that’s not all sex is about. “Good sex is sex that’s pleasurable for both people. Orgasms are one part of sex, but they don’t have to be the goal all the time for everyone. They aren’t the gatekeepers of good sex.”
Cover image courtesy of Getty Images