For one, it’s not a vibrator, which is the classical phallic object that creates an easy orgasm — it’s sensual and seductive, it’s flexible and colorful. Meanwhile, a dilator is a hard, unattractive, and clinically white object that dilates a cavity in the body — sizes begin as small as a tampon.

Vaginal dilators are used to cure vaginismus and relax the pelvic muscle, which involuntarily contracts and causes pain and burning during penetration.

In story book films, women can be seen lying in a cheesy bed of roses, candles lit, with soft music trailing off into the distance as they celebrate their body and their pulsating playmate for the night. For sufferers of vaginismus, the angles have to be correct, the insertion process is the most difficult, and the frozen position in which we lie in makes nothing about the experience romantic and erotic. The painful and anxious process can make dating your dilator a bit of a soul-sucking existence.

I’m here to make your life a little easier. Snatch your bag of medical-grade plastics, I have finally found a way to create a somewhat enthusiastic and comfortable environment for taking your dilators on a date tonight.

 

1. Be Physically and Mentally Ready to Meet Your Date 

Just like any other rendezvous, you’re going to need to be in the mood. These dilators deserve your attention and attention is what you will give them. Mentally, dilating can be a pain so keep the end goal in mind: Every 20-minute session counts towards recovering your body.

Don’t be discouraged if you only have time for a 10-minute quickie, it’s still better than nothing. Physically, dilating can also be a pain, so make sure that you’re comfortably and properly adjusted (see #2). Now that you have decided to take the plunge, pick a couch, or a bed, and get down and dirty.

 

2. Skip the Bed of Roses and Stock Up on Pillows 

When I insert my dilators, I physically cannot move. Since they are plastic, every shift results in intense pelvic pain. In order to create a quasi-divine experience, I build a tiny cocoon of soft pillows that incase my body during the date. The pillows create a support, literally, for my body, and I usually place one beneath my lower back for a sufficient arch and relaxing position.

3. Turn Something — Anything — on to Distract Yourself

 I know you aren’t supposed to be distracted on dates but hey, think of your Netflix or your favorite album as a glass of wine (also, feel free to pour yourself one of those too) that can ease your body and mind into the situation. Any form of visual and auditory entertainment can distract your mind from your pelvic muscles. It’s important to keep yourself occupied during the date. I try not to do any sort of intensive work since this is a moment for relaxation and calm. The less you have to do, the better. Your body is already working hard enough.

 

4. Savor the Moment

Lube (I recommend Astro-Glide), a hand mirror, and some tissue are all you need to make this evening a success. Stick the handle on to your dilator and get to it. Once you have inserted your dilator, begin to breathe slowly and allow for your body to determine its limits. Check in every now and then with your hand mirror, just to make sure things are going smoothly, and don’t forget to twist the dilator around to keep everything well lubricated and expanded. This isn’t the time to obsess over your dilator, however. Savor those 20 minutes to yourself. This is all about you, your body, and your persistence and strength to overcome your diagnosis.

 

5. Keep Your Eyes on the Prize

Now that you’ve experienced the date with your dilator, remember, there are bigger fish in the sea. Waiting out there, somewhere shoved in the back of your dresser drawer in a pink draw string bag, are six other dilators yearning to feel your grip. Eventually, the ultimate prize is a real life human being who isn’t plastic but is most definitely, fleshly and soft.

Dating your dilators can be exhausting, boring, and can sometimes feel like a lost cause; however, every date brings you closer to the one you love and every date night makes you a tad more experienced than the last. Each evening that you choose your dilator, you are choosing to be closer to intimacy. With every date you skip, you are putting yourself further away from curing your vaginismus.

 

Vaginal dilators help create new “muscle memories” and override previous penetration experiences that cause involuntary muscle contractions. These new memories are like mending a broken heart — your new dating life will introduce a safe and controlled environment where only you hold the point of insertion. Similar to real life, dating may take some time and may become monotonous. Your dates may be disappointing, sometimes saddening, but eventually, you’ll find your match.

How do you use your dilators? Sound off in the comments!

 

Cover image courtesy of Shutterstock.

By S. Nicole Lane on April 4, 2016
Nicole is a women's health journalist living in Chicago. Her sex and art column, "Intimate Justice" can be found on Sixty Inches from Center. She also contributes to The Establishment, HelloGiggles, GO Magazine, and elsewhere. In addition to writing she is an artist who works with assemblage and sculpture. She tweets at @snicolelane.