4 Tips for Amazing Sexual Communication (and Therefore Better Sex)

4 Tips for Amazing Sexual Communication (and Therefore Better Sex)

It’s not often that I start writing about sex by quoting my mom – but sometimes, she’s just too wise to be ignored.

And if there’s one thing my mom has taught me about life, and about sex in particular, it’s this: “If you can’t talk about it, you shouldn’t be doing it.”

I don’t like shoulds and shouldn’ts when it comes to sex, but communication is perhaps the major area where they are necessary. Communication is a requirement for any and all sexual experiences. Period. End of article.

Just kidding! Talking about sex is hard, which is why I’m writing this in the first place. Hopefully this article will help break down a few of the difficulties, and even help us have some fun with the idea of sexual communication.

Some people say talking about sex makes it less fun or less sexy or less cool. Fortunately for all of us, those people are usually wrong. Talking about sex means you have more opportunities to enthusiastically give consent or, equally important, to deny and withdraw it. It means you have more opportunities to ask for what you want, to discuss new ideas, to talk about what was good and not so good about a particular sexual experience, to come up with new and collaborative approaches to your sex and the pleasure you derive from it.

We don’t think food is less delicious if we talk about what we’re cooking, eating, or just ate. We don’t say that talking will ruin the relationship with a roommate, co-worker, or anyone else you need to work closely with toward positive experiences for everyone involved. So why do we think sex is less sexy if we talk about it? In the end, it all ties back to the fact that our society is both obsessed with sex and terrified of it. We put all sorts of taboos on talking about sex, even in explicitly sexual contexts. At best, this leads to awkward sex; at worse, it results in sexual assault.

So how to do it? Sexual communication, like many things in sexual experience, is something you’ll engage in based on what works best for you – for your comfort level, your preexisting style of communication, your dynamic with your partner/s.

But, especially for starting out, here are some tips that might help.

 

1. Before, During, After

This is my favorite basic principle of sexual communication: it happens before, during, and after sexual experiences. I love this principle because it’s right, but I also love it because it takes some of the pressure off the sex itself. Not everybody is confident stating their wants and needs at any given moment during a sexual experience, and this reminds us that just because it’s about sex, communication doesn’t need to happen only once things are already moving in a sex-ward direction.

With consistent partners, the before and after parts of the conversation start to mesh together in a wonderful way, where you can continuously and simultaneously process past sex and discuss potential future sex. You can certainly still pull off pre- and post-sex communication with one-time hookups, for which I will enthusiastically fist-bump you. Regardless, talking about sex in nonsexual scenarios allows for more clear-headed decision-making and consent navigation, and it also opens up many possibilities. Try imitating the way you casually discuss sex with friends – and if Sex and the City taught us anything, it’s that brunch is the best place for explicit conversations about sex. You can also prepare yourself ahead of time for a conversation you’re uncomfortable about, with tools like sex educator Reid Mihalko’s amazing difficult conversation formula.

 

2. Write It Down

No matter how many ways you imagine approaching a conversation, some messages are just better/easier/hotter/funnier delivered in writing. This could be in the form of a text message or a note stealthily slipped to your partner; it could be a planned exchange of lists or letters; it could be a yes/no/maybe list, which can help you find inspiration as well as figure out where your desires overlap with your partner’s. Writing is an amazing tool, particularly if you have trouble getting the words out or conducting a fully open conversation with your partner/s.

 

3. Dirty Talk

Dirty talk combats the idea that talking about sex makes it less sexy, by framing your requests or questions in a hot way. This is a particularly useful method of communication for during sex, which is what people think you ruin by talking. Use talking dirty to show your enthusiasm or to instruct, and everyone will have a better time knowing that the experience was enjoyable for all parties. If you feel embarrassed or awkward talking dirty, try talking to your mirror. Unless you somehow inherited the Snow White mirror, it’s unlikely that you’ll be judged (and let’s be real, your mirror has seen and heard weirder things from you before).

Because sex is sexy, dirty talk can be as simple as a simple inquiry or request, stated in a whisper or a moan or even your typical voice. You can blatantly state what you want to do or what you’re already doing, or you can ask questions like “what do you want me to do?” or “do you like this?” You can also verbalize your thoughts and reactions – about how hot your partner is, about how great something feels, or about specifically how you want to switch gears. It really is that easy.

 

4. Ask and Answer

I strongly believe that communication should be as specific as possible. This is difficult at first, but once you get used to it you realize its value. “I liked that thing you did yesterday” is a lot less helpful to your partner than “I really liked when you ran my fingers through my hair while we were making out.” Similarly, asking specific questions gives everyone a chance to clearly state their desires and limits in an honest, comfortable way. “Do you want to ______?” could be met with an excited “Yes!” which might even be followed by further suggestions, or specific details on how ______ might be best accomplished. It might be followed by a “No,” and then you can feel thrilled that you and your partner/s together are creating a safe environment where a “no” is welcomed and celebrated. And then you can come up with a new activity that everyone wants.

 

Communication can take many forms; it can be casual, sexy, technical, funny, and the list goes on. It can also include physical communication – but relying solely on physical cues and subtle motions to indicate what you want from a partner is simply less effective than using your words. It helps you more effectively navigate protection to make sex safer, mutual requests for enthusiastic consent to make sex better, and pleasure for all parties involved. It may be a scary line to cross, but just remember what my mom wants you to know: If you’re going to do it, you should be able to talk about it.

 

COVER IMAGE COURTESY OF SHUTTERSTOCK.